Three is a magic number
I never thought I would have three children, much less one (thanks, anovulation), but here I am at almost seven months pregnant with my third girl.
The only thing is I'm in a weird baby limbo where I'm at risk of only raising one living baby. Being a loss mom makes you feel everything is impossible. You know tons of shitty statistics: one in 120 pregnancies ends in stillbirth. You know this because you are that statistic. You are the one. You know after having one stillbirth puts you at a higher risk of having another stillbirth. Your brain tells you that gem every time you pull your shirt up for the doppler at monthly appointments, and sometimes at non-appointments because you called your OB convinced there's no heartbeat and she tells you to come in right away to reassure you.
My living daughter has the chance to be a big sister in a way my firstborn, my sleeping baby, is not. Ramona is a constant fixture in our lives. She's not a secret, she is loved as fiercely as her baby sister Penelope is, but it's never the same. Penelope will hopefully grow up as the 'big' sister, and boss her little sister around the way she should have been.
It's a really strange life, having an invisible child. I saw a quote recently from Gloria Vanderbilt, who lost her son:
The countdown is on for mid-June. No matter what I'll always be a mother of three, but I'd like the odds to favor us this year. If I have to live on this level, let me do it with two of my three girls.
The only thing is I'm in a weird baby limbo where I'm at risk of only raising one living baby. Being a loss mom makes you feel everything is impossible. You know tons of shitty statistics: one in 120 pregnancies ends in stillbirth. You know this because you are that statistic. You are the one. You know after having one stillbirth puts you at a higher risk of having another stillbirth. Your brain tells you that gem every time you pull your shirt up for the doppler at monthly appointments, and sometimes at non-appointments because you called your OB convinced there's no heartbeat and she tells you to come in right away to reassure you.
My living daughter has the chance to be a big sister in a way my firstborn, my sleeping baby, is not. Ramona is a constant fixture in our lives. She's not a secret, she is loved as fiercely as her baby sister Penelope is, but it's never the same. Penelope will hopefully grow up as the 'big' sister, and boss her little sister around the way she should have been.
It's a really strange life, having an invisible child. I saw a quote recently from Gloria Vanderbilt, who lost her son:
That's exactly how I feel three years, three months, and eight days later. It's the only way I've come across to explain how it feels to live without all of your children.'I have heard it said that the greatest loss a human being can experience is the loss of a child. This is true. It doesn't just change you, it demolishes you. The rest of your life is spent on another level. Is the pain less? No, just different.'
The countdown is on for mid-June. No matter what I'll always be a mother of three, but I'd like the odds to favor us this year. If I have to live on this level, let me do it with two of my three girls.
Comments
Post a Comment